


How Many Times?

by The_Berriest_Berry



Category: Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six (Video Games)
Genre: Break Up, Character Death, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Denial of Feelings, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Heartache, Heartbreak, Hurt No Comfort, Loss, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Self-Esteem Issues, Tragedy, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-11
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2019-02-13 11:02:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12982671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Berriest_Berry/pseuds/The_Berriest_Berry
Summary: How many times has it been?He asks himself this everytime it happens. He swears that it'll end one day, and when it does, he soon finds that it's not like how he wanted it to end.





	How Many Times?

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my third time writing this. For some reason, my computer didn't want to save it without making the text invisible. But I think this is the most realistic version and best version I wrote so far! And just in case my writing isn't easy to follow....  
> Characters:  
> He - usually Fuze  
> Artist/ Lover - Glaz  
> Leader - Kapkan  
> Old Geezer - Tachanka  
> Cynical Bastard - Thatcher  
> The Quiet ones - Seamus and Mute  
> The Odd ball- Smoke  
> The Disciplined Marine - Thermite
> 
> ...you'll see why once you read.

How many times has it been? Twelve? Ten? Eleven? Fifteen? How many times has he let him into his arms? How many times has he let him cry on his shoulder, or let him fall asleep in his arms? How many times has he said 'I love you', but has never received an one back? How many times has he been too afraid to stop it, letting it go to far? Why does he always picture him as his lover, lips, hot and soft, passionately, yet shy, moving on top of his own?

He knows that it has to stop some time, but he doesn't want it too. He knows his own regret, wishes the other to recognise his own. One day he'll make it stop, but until then, he doesn't know what to do.

_________________  
He ignores glossy eyes and continues with the treatment. It's too harsh, and he knows it, yet doesn't back down. The other is frozen in time, to wonder what he did wrong. A one sided argument ensues, one that hits home, and the younger of the two begs for forgiveness. He receives none and the older one forces him out with a wave of his hand and his eyes returning to the book. 

The younger one is hard headed at first, but accepts his fate, and leaves the other one alone, who can't get the picture out of his mind, no matter how hard he tries. His eyes don't scan the book; they look back at what happened until he himself is wiping his nose and sniffling. 

_________________  
It feels like forever since they've last spoken, but in reality, it's been two weeks since the argument.

He's tried talking to him, but the older on pushes past, not hearing it. They don't talk anymore. No one questions, and so the problem goes unsolved. Otherwise, they work like a team if put into the same simulations and/or missions.

It feels so lonely now a days, for the both of them. He wonders when it'll end.

_________________  
It's been two months, and he finds that he needs to tell him everything; about how he feels, what he wants, his regrets.

He starts the conversation by the sink while the other cleans and fills two glasses with cold water. He starts it off with a 'Timur' and ends it with another 'Timur' before the other turns around and pushes past him. He deserves it to be honest. 

But the ultimate pain reaches his heart when he slowly follows. He sees the man, who use to be his, sit down and cuddles against another that isn't him.

So, he leaves. Crying, he asks their leader why. He's told that the man has found another and it crushes his spirits. He deserves worse.

_________________  
It's been two years. Nothing much had changed. They both feel as if they have both moved on, yet it is still quite between them. It doesn't help that they aren't assigned to the same missions any more, and it seems as if everyone has accepted their silence as a break in their relationship.

_________________  
He's been in an accident. When the other learnt about it, he asked what had happened, careful to sneak around learning about his old 'lover'. But alas! He was the only one put in a coma. 

The art he made seems oddly old, so he flips them over. Their leader seems to have noticed, and the third say he does it, he is asked why. He doesn't know, but the art is rusty to him. Maybe he hasn't quite moved on yet.

_________________  
The other two visit the artist when he comes out of the coma, though he quickly falls back asleep each time. He does not go himself. He has bought the boy gifts, yes, but they never leave the underside of his bed. 

The Old Geezer has talked to him about it, late at night whilst everyone else is asleep. 

"It's rude." He said. "He was your best friend. I don't know what has happened between you two, but I'm fairly certain that he'd visit you. Besides. He asks for you."  
He still never visits. 

_________________  
Time has past, and everyone is mourning. He hasn't seen Thatcher in a while, so he figured... 

He kept himself occupied in his room, reading books that all the Russians shared. Eventually, he got bored, fell asleep only to wake up during the middle of the night with angry whispers and loud movement. He heard sniffling, and he asked what was going on, getting used to the darkness.

"Go back to bed." Said the Old Geezer, "We'll talk in the morning when everyone calmed down."  
_________________  
They talk over breakfast, or, at least, right before breakfast ends. Before, however, it is obvious that their Leader is quite upset and angry, whilst the old Geezer is more subtlety sad. He asked them about it, but no one said anything. 

Eventually, their leader speaks up when he gets up to leave, and he's quite blunt about it.  
"The world has lost a great artist." He said and slowly looked into the other's eyes. "Timur is dead."

_________________  
The news hits him closer than how he wanted it to. He feels broken. He wonders how dead he looks to the others, walking around like a corpse. 

He goes to the places he knows that he used the like. Places that are expressive and bustling with people. Places that were worth being painted with beautiful colours by beautiful hands. 

He spends most of his time here, watching, trying to be like him. It doesn't work. He wonders if the others could tell. Specifically the British men, who come to visit him when he's his most vulnerable. 

The Cynical bastard is the first to talk to him, sitting down and starting small talk. He tells him to be blunt; he doesn't need to be treated like a child. The man listens, and gets right to business, tells him everything he needs to know, some advice and then some. 

He brushes it off, and when the Bastard is done, the two quiet ones teams tag him, placing caring hands on his shoulders and giving him hugs. The Odd ball is the last one to show him affect, though it's different from the others. 

When he shows him it's okay he holds him close, like how he used to hold his artist. It hits home, and it's quite obvious. Once the other notices, he shoos his companions away, to give them some privacy.

_________________  
He wanted to miss the funeral anyways, but now he has a reason to miss the funeral. Family business, they said it was personal. And it was. 

His youngest sister, the third young of seven children, six years old daughter went missing. Since he was the one who she looked up to the most, he had to travel all the way back to the middle of Russia for a week to look for his six-years old niece, only to find that she missed her Grandparents to much and decided to travel back to them.

During this week, he sat with his two brothers, wanting to catch up and forget everything that was happening in England. But they could tell something was off. So, they questioned him without judgement. 

They knew who he was, what he liked, who, specifically, he loved. So telling them, at first, seemed like a piece of cake, to tell them. But then the all of the feelings he had held inside of him for two years, and then some, starting coming out. He couldn't help but cry. 

_________________  
For some reason, he wished everyone waited to put the casket inside the ground until he got there. He daydreamed it during the whole plane ride back, but, of coarse, it's only a dream. Dreams don't come true unless there are no obstacles to go around. And there are obstacles to go around.

When he gets back to England, he wants to question what has happened while he was gone, only to learn that the casket was moved to Russia, so his father could visit his grave. 

All of the operators who were able to go, like the Russians, Germans, the French, went, and the funeral and wake had been both recorded and broadcast to those who wanted to go, but who were forced to miss it. 

Angered had boiled inside of him when he learned that everyone had treated it an unimportant event, video taping it like people do when they go to concerts. But they told him that the taping was for enjoyment, it was for him. 

_________________  
He has trouble watching the video. Everytime he plays it, he cries. Everytime he cries, he pauses it. And everytime he pauses it, he feels so guilty he has to play it once more, making a vicious cyle of pausing, playing and crying.

The Disciplined Marine comes to visit him, with a cup of water. They had a brief conversation, one where the Marine questioned him on whether or not he was okay.

It ended up where the Marine sat next to him, pulling him into his arms and holding him like how he held his Artist so many years ago. It didn't hit home this time, but felt rather comforting. 

He asked about the video, and the Marine explained that it was hard to make. Not only because of moral reasons, but because of trying to make the video as perfectly as possible, making sure it was as realistically pov, and trying to keep the funeral as authentic as possible.

The play button was pressed, though it was quickly paused.  
"Hold on." The Disciplined man said."We put it in VR!"

_________________  
Three years have passed since the funeral. They've gotten a new Operators, more specifically a Russian one, and though they haven't filled the missing hole within the Rainbow family, they sure make sure that that hole stays just as colourful as the Artist's art. 

Speaking of which, he stopped flipping them over, ever since Operation Chimera ended. 

He feels close to the Disciplined Marine. Over time, they've developed a sort of close relationship, one almost like what They used to have, but instead he's the one who gets held. 

It's nice, but he's afraid of making the same mistake, so he says what ever is on his mind. He knows that he hasn't moved on, there's so much he forced him and the Artist to miss. He's afraid of missing it again, so he tries to make the other as happy as possible.

But he sees that it makes the other uncomfortable in their new relationship. And though they have talked about it, he feels like nothing he does it right anymore. He feels like everything he does pushes the other away, and he doesn't want it to be that way. 

But he feels like one thing he can't fix, no matter how hard he tries, is this feeling that he deserves all of this. And maybe he does, but for now, he ignores this feeling for the small bit of happiness he gains for making his new man happy. But maybe he does deserve it. Really, and indefinitely, deserves it. 

_________________  
How many times will it be? Thirty? Forty? Fifty? How many times will he let him into his arms? How many times will he let him cry on his shoulder, or let him fall asleep in his arms? How many times will he say 'I love you' and will always receive one back? How many times will he be eager to not let it stop, letting it go as far as possible? How many times will he become his lover? His lover's lips hot and soft, passionately, yet shy, moving on top of his own?

He's not sure when it will happen. He pictures it everytime they watch late night movies together, under separate sheets but on top of the same bed. He feels particularly confident, pulling the other into his lap and wrapping his blanket around him. 

He jokes at first, questioning seductively on whether or not they should watch an R rated movie into his crushes ear. The other flinches while blushing, disagreeing, but soon a joke becomes a thing, and they end up cuddling, the older man holding him in his arms. 

The movie plays and it offers different types of relationships; same sex, straight, BDSM, softcore...

At first they make jokes about it, pointing out all cliches and obvious plot holes, but soon it becomes a turn on when it becomes male on male. The younger gets distracted, gets turned on. He doesn't feel the same from the movie, but the moment he looks at the younger man, his face with a heavy blush, his hands move down, and he feels the obvious tightness in the other's pants. 

The other notices and they lock eyes. It's enough to turn him on. They laugh after words, when the scene is over and they both notice his own bulge. It feels awkward yet right, so he leans forwards, jokes and says that they should watch another movie. The other disagrees and is tackled to the bed. 

They're yelled at by their leader to go to bed, so they co-operate, turning off their Leader's laptop and cuddling together in the bed. 

It's a little weird, and he can feel the other's breath on his lips. The artist asks if he can go and relieve himself, but he jokes and says no. The playfulness ensues, and it's enough for them to become comfortable with the artist relieving himself inside the other's arms, but neither one notice the awkwardness that comes while they watch each other. 

He doesn't let the other sleep until for a while afterwards, declaring, as a joke, that he deserve a kiss. It's a quick peck, and he feels like his world has enlightened. Maybe their relationship has evolved into something more, maybe in this moment. And though he's not sure if it has or not, he's more comfortable with his feeling, and he's sure the other it too.


End file.
